Eighteen Double Vodkas
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Sunday
Men's Restroom Moral
Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interior office space.
They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.
The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects.
The client was a company that was also run by all women execs....... ......
The result....well. ....
We all know that men never talk,
never look at each other.... And never laugh much in the restroom....
The men's room is a serious and quiet place...
But now...with the addition of one moral on the wall......
lets just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.
They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.
The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in all design aspects.
The client was a company that was also run by all women execs....... ......
The result....well. ....
We all know that men never talk,
never look at each other.... And never laugh much in the restroom....
The men's room is a serious and quiet place...
But now...with the addition of one moral on the wall......
lets just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.
Wednesday
M&M's Joke
M&M's
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar.
When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,"
the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar.
When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,"
the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof Joke
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof Joke
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."
Thursday
Do You Have The Time
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Negotiations
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
Four Types of Patients
Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangable."
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangable."
Doctor Orders A Birthday Cake
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordereda cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older,You are just getting better."When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said,"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top,and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom.
"It wasn't until the good doctor was readyto serve the cake that he discovered it read:"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
"It wasn't until the good doctor was readyto serve the cake that he discovered it read:"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Moving To A New Office
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, andhis staff was helping transport many of the items.I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony armacross the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the driveacross town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people inthe car beside me became obvious, and I looked across andexplained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you,lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
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